Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You Might Also Like
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
I switched all the labels on my wife’s spice rack.
I’m not in trouble yet, but the thyme is cumin.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Parenting is cheering on your kid’s winning softball team all weekend and then cheering on the Sunday rain for cancelling the rest of the games.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Seek respect, not attention. It lasts longer.
A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.
Remember when I told you that joke about the chiropractor?
It was about a week back…
(Slaps knee!)
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
[planning for wedding]
i found us a remote location
“Omg where?”
*points to fanny pack stapled to wall above TV*
The remote goes there now
This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she’s never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
When I can’t barge, I careen.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
ME: I’m not the same person I was yesterday. What you’re looking at is a different me.
Passport agent:
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
The new Ring movie looks terrifying
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
ME: What’s wrong? I told you I have prosthetic legs
DATE: Yes it’s just…I didn’t think you meant
ME *scuttles closer*
DATE: 6 of them
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.