*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
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Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
MOM: are you seriously planting cameras around the house just so you can do that Jim Halpert thing when ur annoyed?
ME: [looks at camera]
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Pamela Anderson attends a function make up free and is hailed bold and brave. I do it and get holy water and a crucifix thrown at me!!
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
If Apple ever made a car they would probably have oddly sized/shaped cup holders just so people would buy their custom drink containers.
mmm onion ringos
Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
Finally; someone explained Bitcoin in a way I can understand
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
“Usain Bolt, Trump regrets/ Gawker downed by Hogan’s sex/ Manafort, Putin’s pet/ Lochte lies then hops on jet/ We didn’t start the fire…”
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.