You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
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Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
People who prefer ketchup over mustard are annoying because as soon as you say you like mustard, they go on and on about how much they hate it. Like, okay. You have the same flavor palette you had when you were 5 but that doesn’t mean you should insult what I put in my coffee.
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Husband: Did you eat the leftovers?
Me: No.
H: Who did then?
Me: Ninjas.
H: (sigh) There are no ninjas.
Me: They’re very good ninjas.
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Today I learned my laser pointer can go all the way to the bar across the street.
Drunk people still think there’s a sniper somewhere.
Honey, do you think if we met now instead of 15 years ago, we’d still marry each other?
{turn to see husband shaped hole in the wall}
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
I avoided Walmart like the plague before it was the plague
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
I was so busy yesterday, my smart phone had 75% battery left at the end of the day.
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
My kids kept crawling under the table at a restaurant so I told them the floor is lava. Follow me for other hot parenting tips.