Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
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If you walk around in knight’s armor long enough, people will just get used to it.
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
Anytime I cannot find my kids I just go to the bathroom and wait for them to barge in
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
“I’m not going to eat anything today”
“Pie?”
“Please”
I just tried to “Like” an email so I didn’t have to reply to it
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My fiancée loves to say she’s color blind, yet anytime starbursts are being eaten in the car I get passed the orange and yellow
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
sitting is bad for u, but the standing desk is all wrong. i present to u… *unveils computer hanging from ceiling with a bed underneath it*
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”