My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
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Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
A vegan walks into a bar and doesn’t say anything because the person who has never seen star wars is going on about never seeing star wars.
Me: Is this something a crazy person would wear?
My mom: Well, crazy people can wear whatever they want, so…
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
These guys came to me one by one, and now we solve mysteries on the south side of Huddersfield.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
My debit card number got stolen and someone used it to buy $362 of liquor, which got approved, but the purchase they tried to make for designer clothes was denied and I’m offended. Sure I buy my clothes at Costco but that doesn’t mean I never will buy designer clothes!
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Sometimes I feel like I’m the only one who’s not on the keto diet and that makes me so happy.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
WIFE: I regret getting you that blender for Christmas.
ME: {drinking toast} Why?
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.
Save on property taxes by putting your house legally in the name of that bag of peas in the freezer.