*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
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Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
best thing about being funny and having a gf is that I give her the hiccups from doing such good jokes and then I can make fun of her for having the hiccups for the next half hour
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
Sometimes my stomach will make a noise and my brain will be like ok I never signed off on that
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
Kentucky names the shit out of places
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
My daughter’s boyfriend left his wallet here. I put girls names & numbers in it. Later today I’ll ask my daughter if he has change for a $20
WOMAN: Is anyone here a doctor?!
MAN: I sure am! And I think I can. Save that man. Like eggs & ham.
W: Shutup Seuss! I meant a real doctor.
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
“The Perfect Relationship”
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
They built a huge, ugly thought-control tower right next to my house but actually I love it so much
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
The opposite of Thanksgiving leftovers is Thanksgiving rightunders.
I’m so sorry
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Mugger: “Hand over your stuff! No funny business!”
*I give him my wallet and phone but not my business proposal to open a clown college*
Me: I’m really into architecture.
Her: Contemporary…modern?
Me: LEGO.