Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
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*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
The Hadron Colander has four crossing points where the accelerated pasticles collide and also makes a great sun hat if you are into that kind of thing.
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
first world problems
I could really use hands-free web browsing.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
You want me to make something homemade?? Girl I can’t even make my own serotonin.