I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
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I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
is this a warning or an offer?
There is no “ea” in Tim.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
A vulture floats lazily overhead. Here come a few of his friends. Oh, and a few more. Look, now they’re circling.
Maybe I should move.
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
[Walking thru a dark alley late at night]
Thug: This is an arm robbery!
Me: Don’t u mean “armed” robbery?
Thug: *takes out chainsaw* Nope
lost dog
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
I wish I could say the massive bruise on my leg is from Kickboxing class, but no. It’s from a door hitting me on a windy day as I walked into a burger joint.
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me….then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
me: there’s more than one way to skin a cat
my friend: w-why do u know that
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob