(by @ZachWeiner )
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Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
The difference between looking at a kaleidoscopic as a kid vs as an adult.
The migraine that follows.
You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder
Guy behind me in line with an Icehouse tallboy asks if he can cut me in line bc he’s in a rush. I said sure np then walk outside after and see him posted up on the side of Walgreens drinking his Icehouse. I go “Big rush huh” and he says “Yeah, I was in a rush to start drinking.”
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
My work here is don’t.
adopting a pet chicken and naming them gregory peck
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
Friend: I want a baby.
Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
FINE, I WON’T.
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Dogs have it good. No one ever wraps my pills in thin sliced roast beef.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
It’s so foggy out right now that I feel like I should be telling someone about an ancient prophecy
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶