Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?
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If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Sharon I have some bad news
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
“If you want to lose weight eat in front of a mirror, nude”. Tried it. All I saw was a happy naked woman eating cheese.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
me: but “greetings” is a greeting
jimmy kimmel: do you honestly not understand that we can’t just say “conversations” back and forth for ten minutes
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
If the murder robots look like wall•e I will betray all of you
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Could reporters stop asking if political leaders “believe” in climate change and start asking if they understand it instead
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
My kid announced he’s counting to Infinity. It’s been five minutes and he’s on 39. Send help.