I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
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I offered my nephew a donut and he said “no thanks, I’m not hungry rn” and I don’t think this little shit knows how donuts work.
Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
I think my microwave’s broken. I keep pressing the pizza button and no pizza is coming out
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened
me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
If you have to ask if it’s too early to drink…you’re an amateur & we can’t be friends
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
Looking for a get well soon card but they’re all so inspirational and sappy why not something simple like “I hope you make it through this but if not say what’s up to god for me”
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.
i’m sure it’s fine
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
“Have you seen my dog? He drove away from home…”
I didn’t like you in high school, I don’t like you now. #WhyIDontUseFacebook