A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
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Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I forget how hitchhiking works- do I murder them or do they murder me? I don’t want it to be awkward.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
It finally happened.
After living here 11 years, my neighbors finally caught me outside and introduced themselves.
If I don’t make this right hand turn going exactly 3 mph, the entire universe will explode & everyone will die.
– the lady in front of me
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest wea-
Me: Interrupting people.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.