I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
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interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
Women like men who make plans, commit to those plans, and still have a few surprises left in them. This is why your girlfriend is obsessed with serial killers.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
Wife: [reaches for the fries on my plate]
Me: [slides grocery divider between plates]
Wife: you said you didn’t take that from the store.
Me: and you said you didn’t want any fries but here we are.
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
If I were one of the sciencers, I would simply do this
I beg your pardon?
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
so we’ve been wondering why our daughter insists on inserting the short end of the bendy straw into the juice carton. today, she explained her reasoning
H: Can you call my phone? I can’t find it.
M: Sure. PHONE? PHOOOOOONNNE?! PHONE, WHERE ARE YOU?!
H: Have you been day drinking?
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Why aren’t more people mating with scientists? It’s like they don’t even want to bring dinosaurs back.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
My daughter, the world’s worst hider, asked me to play hide & seek. I counted to 20 and began a search that eclipsed 10 minutes. I was truly stumped, then I heard her playing in the backyard. “I thought you wanted to play hide & seek?” I asked. “Oh, yeah,” she said. “I forgot.”
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
Saving my good tweets for marriage