When you are having a new mattress installed, remember to hide your “toys” BEFORE the movers arrive.
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It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A lot of your 30’s involves finding out that the bartender is younger than you and so is your doctor.
academia has you beefing with someone 3k miles away who is also one of only 4 people on earth who likes the same stuff as you
I was told flattery would get you everywhere but the bank manager in charge of this vault does not agree.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
ME: Hi. I’m in the gym parking lot.
HUSBAND: That’s great! Are you finally working out?
ME: No. My car broke down. Can you come pick me up? This place is really scary.
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
Hugs not drugs. Except, yes drugs and why are you touching me?
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
Wife: I don’t think those fireworks look safe to use-
Me: [lighting fireworks] who you think I’m gonna believe? You, or Six-Fingered Pete?
I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.