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@funTweeters Thanks so much she screams throwing glitter all over That is so cool!
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
son: *holding acorn* what’s this?
me: a tree
son: really?
me: in a nutshell, yeah
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
Me (comforting a friend who’s team lost): There, there. Football is stupid
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
On this edition of House Hunters: He rides the back of trash truck, she’s a nail tech. Their budget is $15M.
Let’s see what they can do!
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that’s a mandolin
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
*Handed a baby*
Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?