Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
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Maybe being fat isn’t bad, it just sounds awful because we say ‘morbidly obese’. Let’s switch it to ‘cheerfully obese’ and see what happens.
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Me: You have two options. You can do as you’re told, OR spend time alone in your room.
3: I’m adding another option!
Me: *
*totally unprepared for toddler negotiating skills.
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
Having a teen daughter the same shoe size as me is worth every single eye roll and sigh she dishes out because my shoe closet has doubled.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
New neighbor: Hi, I’m Sara.
(recalling the 47 Sarah’s already in my life)
Me: I’m sorry, this isn’t going to work out.
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Yoplait
I plait
We all plait for foreplait.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
Keep salespeople from pestering you by asking what type of saw can cut through bone and sinew the quickest.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
How to start a fight with your wife:
1- Watch your wife buy a squash
2- Put it on the shelf
3- After three months ask your wife if the squash has a name
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Cop: so are you guys in some sort of polyamorous sex thing?
Raphael: what? no we’re brothers.
Cop: oh. It’s just with the matching outfits I thought-
Leonardo: no we like girls. human girls
Cop: is that… is that less weird?
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
man cave? she shed? no no. im in my theysement
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
When I was a kid I remember passing a sign that said “littering 300 fine”
I read that as it was ok to litter after 3 o’clock
“STOP IT STOP IT. CUT. THIS IS ALL WRONG” I scream at my cats dressed like vampires. “This is NOTHING like Twilight!!”
if u see a BEAR in the woods PLAY DEAD. it will be good PRACTICE for when u are ACTUALLY dead in a few SECONDS