I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
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*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I think the implication that you might want to share your Kit Kat with 3 friends seems unreasonable.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*finds all 7 dragonballs
*dragon appears* “WHAT IS YOUR WIS…OH GODDAMMIT CHAD, FOR THE LAST TIME I CANNOT MAKE PEOPLE RESPECT NICKELBACK”
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Don’t touch that.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
Perhaps nothing is more overrepresented in film than snow globes.
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
Best Friend: Best day of my life was the day I got married. Wbu?
Me: *Recalling when I got free Pizza from Pizza Hut* Yes My Wedding Day
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
If you say “cash money” around me,
Don’t act surprised when I kick you in the “balls nuts”See how stupid that sounds?
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
Sometimes in the middle of eating a rotisserie chicken I ask myself “did I just run a red light?”
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
*shortly after the sinking of the Titanic*
Sebastian: Ariel, what is dis!?! You cannot have a dead human in your secret grotto!
Ariel: But I like him.
Sebastian: What would your father say!?!
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
I refused to buy my 5yo a tablet, and now she’s resorted to hand-drawing angry emojis on pieces of paper to express her frustration.
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.