My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
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I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
I told a joke during a zoom meeting today. Nobody laughed. It turns out, I’m not even remotely funny
I’m wildly unpopular in dessert circles for my hot hollandaise ice cream sundaes.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: Pull up a chair this is going to be awhile
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Trader Joe’s was destined for greatness…
Unlike his twin brother Sloppy Joe who was destined to work in a cafeteria for minimum wage.
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
My 4-year-old usually wears his hair in a ponytail, but he wants it cut this weekend. This change will make me a little sad, but I also hope it hides his 1980s movie villain personality.
I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes