Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
My bed hair is on point this morning. JK, I look like humans were designed by a mean toddler
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
I can’t wait until my kids have a place of their own so I can come barging through their door & say “what’s for dinner? I don’t like that. Can you give me money for McDonald’s?”
Yup….perfect score!
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Here’s the most important thing to keep in mind when your kid starts kindergarten: picking them up. Yeah…I just got “the call.”
Him: What dat mouf do?
Me: Talk a lot of shit and eat fried chicken.
Shout out to coworkers that wait until the final 5 minutes of a meeting to ask 20 questions. We all hate you
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
Twitter: yo don’t say stimulus say stimmy
Me: hey did u hear taylor won another gramulus
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.