Sounds about right! 💯
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Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
They should combine weather forecasts with horoscopes. “Tomorrow there’s a 60% chance of rain and a 40% chance you’ll reconnect with an old friend.”
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
“Hey Google, set an alarm for 5 AM”
Google: “No. That’s stupid.”
Being a bigger account doesn’t make you a better person. We’re all terrible people. We’re on twitter. I threw a baby at a fox this morning.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
Before electricity, they used to give murderers the acoustic chair.
Him: Will you proofread this essay for me?
Me: Dammit, Todd! I CAN read and don’t need to prove it to you everytime you write something.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
Please stop summoning me if you’re out of sacrificial snacks.
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.