Him: Alcohol isn’t the answer.
Me: OK, what’s the answer?
Him:
Me: *sips flask*
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6 woke us up this morning slightly concerned.
6: a squirrel is making some really strange screaming noises on the deck.
Me: *not knowing how much 6 knows* maybe he’s looking for a lady squirrel.
6: like a mating call? I don’t think anyone would find that very attractive.
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: Pretty much but I have to fake some of the David Bowie parts because I’m not sure the words
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
[guy inventing wicker furniture]
think I might knit myself a chair
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
If they don’t want me to ash on the floor,maybe they should put some ashtrays in this gym
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
ME: i can’t wait for the game of thrones series finale!
FRIEND: oh i didn’t know you watched game of thrones
ME: i don’t