*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
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40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Me: Honey if you ever murder me please do it in a cool way so we get our own Dateline special
Husband: Deal
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Pro of being an adult, I can eat a whole cake, and no one can stop me
Con of being an adult, I ate a whole cake and no one stopped me.
Now I feel sick
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
If you can name four Metallica songs, you are in Metallica.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
Hot pockets… cook on high for 1 minute, let cool for 27 years!
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Albus pretended it didn’t bother him, but late at night, he wept in his chambers. He hated when the students called him “Dumblefag.”
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Wife: Nothing would make me happier than a new car.
Me: Well if you’re sure. Nothing it is.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”