me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
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has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
that de-escalated quickly
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Wish I was alive in the 70’s and got to look forward to releases by Zeppelin, Floyd and Sabbath, instead of being ear-raped by today’s shit.
White Walkers need coffee too #WinterIsHere
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
*tries CBD oil for the first time*
“OMG OMG I FEEL IT, I THINK I’M HIGH! I’M TOTALLY HIGH”
“Ma’am, there are little to no narcotics in that”
“So you’re saying there’s a chance”
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
*Buys sugar-free cereal.
**Puts sugar on it.
Me – You almost ready?
Wife – Just a few more minutes. What time do we have to be there?
Me – Yesterday at 7.
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
I refused to ask a guy with a Blackberry what time it was because he doesn’t even know what year it is.
I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
That stupid look on my face, is my face
“Needs to be punchier” — someone who has no idea what they want and wants you to figure it out
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.