Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
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[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
I lied on my resume yesterday. I told them I wanted a job
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc u hate ventriloquism
HER: yes
BUNNY: [quietly] don’t let her see u cry
Wife and I saw a woman smiling on the street, carrying a baby while helping her younger child ride a tricycle, and the first thing we both said was, “Why the hell is she smiling?”
Friend: Don’t you recycle?
Me: I do what I can.
F: What about the seals?
M: Am I responsible for their recycling, too?!
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I don’t watch wedding shows and get excited about getting married but I do watch Dateline and get excited about being murdered.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
a horror film where the victim walks into her kitchen and everyone she’s muted on twitter is standing there drinking coffee
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
THEN: Pizza
NOW: Cauliflower Pizza
THEN: Mashed Potatoes
NOW: Mashed Cauliflower
THEN: Fried Rice
NOW: Cauliflower Rice
THEN: Steak
NOW: Cauliflower Steak
THEN: Leather Jacket
NOW: Cauliflower Trenchcoat
THEN: A Car
NOW: Cauliflower with 4 wheels glued on.
I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad