“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
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definitely did not do anything wrong
Stranger asks you what time it is = kinda annoying
Stranger asks you what year it is = pretty concerning
Stranger asks you what century it is = extremely exciting
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would pick alive almost every time that way they can split the check
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Grooming tip:
Cut your toenails every 2 to 24 weeks whether they need it or not.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
13yo Jesus: You’re not my real dad! I HATE YOU!
Joseph: One of these days boy, I’ll— [distant thunder] I’ll do nothing. Absolutely nothing.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
“Everything I touch just turns to shit!”
– Large intestines
If there’s a movie about Elon, I want him to be played by Kathy Bates.
Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing 🙂🐾
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
visiting your parents is great because you get free food and all it costs is your entire mental wellbeing
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
“And this is my creepy husband, John.”
(The way my friend should introduce her husband)
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
Open for business, 24/7
~my stomach
[Job Interview]
Me: I promise to be dedicated to every day, reliable when depended on, and steadfastly devoted always. Nothing means more to me.
Job interviewer: Are you reading a love letter?
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Just had lunch with my 3rd grader at her school. She got embarrassed when I tried to kiss her. So, like any good mom, I started twerking.