Yeah I have only 2 friends but guess what. Quality over quantity. And are my 2 friends good? Absolutely not,
You Might Also Like
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
“Pasta la veista, baby”
-Arnold Schwarzenoodles
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
The only way a “staycation” sounds good is if the rest of my family takes a “leavecation”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
I did a bad I need to share
I broke a thing they can’t repair
I tried denial I tried despair
But settled on a vacant stare
This is enough internet for the day.
The bag of chocolate macaroons I bought are not resealable. I’m taking this as an indicator that it is 1 serving
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
God: let’s put berries on bushes
Angel: Yeah that will be easy food for humans
God: Make some poisonous
Angel: why
God: it’s like a game
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
You know you where drunk last night when you realise you cooked your pizza for 200 minutes at 18 degrees