Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
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Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.
Riddler: Oh?
B: Notice anything different about me?
R:
R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*
I have keys on my keychain from the houses I used to live in just in case I’m hungry and in the area.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Sorry I said your mom’s beef stroganoff was stroganawful.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
I use awkward numerical range description anywhere between 13 and 4 times a day.
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
i just blocked everyone who’s face i don’t like, so if you’re seeing this…hiii
Apparently the hardest part of exercising is keeping that shit to yourself.
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
No regrets in 2018
In my day, we didn’t have quiet quitting.
The 5:00 whistle would blare, you’d yell “Yabba dabba doo!” as loud as you could, then slide down the back of a dinosaur.