women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
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Me: I can’t come in. I got food poisoning last night.
Boss: Oh no. Did you throw up?
M: Yup
B: What did you eat?
M: 17 beers
B: …
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
Goodnight 🐶
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
If you watch Footloose during the pandemic, the minister who tells everyone not to dance is now the hero.
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
Me: this a rush song?
Bartender: yeah, you a fan?
Me: does this answer your questions? *lifts shirt to reveal giant tattoo that says “no”*
Whenever I don’t want to listen to a song in the car with my wife I just lean over and whisper “my ex loved this song”
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
[First day as a fighter pilot]
*punches every passenger in the stomach as they board*
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
The most important thing I learned in life, and I can’t stress enough, it doesn’t matter where you went to college.
The only thing that matters is that you’re really hot.
Apple should make a sarcasm font and call it the iRoll.
If you’re not happy single you won’t be happy married. Happiness comes from eating potatoes, not from relationships.
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
Her: I just feel so alone
Him: Jesus loves you
Jesus: [awkwardly] Duuude shut up
[ First day as a British comedy account ]
I sure do love those chocolate chip *checks writing on hand* biscuits? That can’t be right.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.