The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
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What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
10: “What are we doing today?
Me: “We’re gonna make tacos.”
10: “Then what are we going to do?”
Me: “…I’ll be eating tacos.”
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps
what kind of cook setting is this??
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Nothing like a thumb injury to make you realize how many things require two hands.
Oh, you want to lift your pants back up? Lol
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Receptionist: the doctor can see you now
invisible man who’s also blind: who said that
receptionist: who said that