My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.
Coworker: Did you know a blue whale’s arteries are big enough for a person to swim through?
Me: DID YOU KNOW THE KUERIG DOESN’T JUST MAGICALLY REFILL ITSELF, DAN?
Chameleons have a hard time getting good photos of other chameleons because they’re too small to hold cameras
9yo to 6yo: “Why is it so hard for you to understand this? Are you Alexa??”
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
[first date]
HER: i’m really into astronomy
ME: [revealing my secret stash of Milky Ways] you don’t say
Might send husband a nude so he’ll come upstairs. Then I’ll make him help with the laundry.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Hey!! pssst! Guys who wear camo to bars: There is a reason you’re not getting laid…it’s because the women can’t see you..
If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
the collective noun for a group of reply guys is an audacity
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Please stop referring to things as “Orwellian”. Some of us haven’t read his books yet and you’re spoiling them
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
[commandos infiltrating enemy fortress]
COMMANDO 1: uh oh, we’ve got company!
COMMANDO 2: damn *opens wine and begins to set table*
*inside camp-out tent*
“Wanna hear-”
*puts torch under chin*
“-a scary story?”
*flicks torch on, it vibrates*
“OMG. ITS. NOT. A. TORCH.”
Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear