Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
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If you haven’t heard about shorts yet
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
If everything happens for a reason, explain Windows update.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
[enters elevator]
Me: *audible toot*
Them:
Me: I am not here to make friends.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
A rob Lowe implies the existence of rob homedepot
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
Accidentally connected my Fitbit account to Facebook and now everyone knows I only walked 13 steps yesterday.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.