[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?
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Between Man of Steel, This Is The End, and Pacific Rim, I’ve seen around 5 billion people die this summer. A personal best.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.
[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?
December birthdays be like…
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Overheard in the jewelry shop:
“I swallowed for this??”
You can just tell people you’re writing a novel even if you’re not. There will not be follow up questions.
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
[1st date]
date: you have any hobbies?
me: i collect old comics
date: oh like first editions?
me: [flashback to jerry seinfeld tied up in my basement] sure
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Me: i wish for chips
Genie: done
Me: i wish for salsa
Genie: …why didn’t you just wish for chips & salsa?
Me: ah…i wish I hadn’t doneNO WAIT
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
*detective bangs on table*
I SAID GIVE ME A NAME!
“Uh, Aaron?”
Aaron… I like it!
*’Aaron’ leaves interrogation room, ready for a new life*
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
Date: Why are you so nervous?
Me: I’ve never seen talking fruit before
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
My 8-year-old correctly used the word “aesthetic” in a sentence.
When I asked her where she learned it, she said YouTube.
That site is ruining her life. It’s turning her into an English major.
*quietly adjusts thermostat*
my husband from a hotel room 2800 miles away: whatcha doing?
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table