Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
You Might Also Like
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.
i gotta remember that brevity saves energy and is worth the misunderstandings
I’m sitting here watching this married couple argue in this restaurant. Then their 8 year old says “oh great, dinner and a show.” Priceless.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I went for a job interview.
The bloke asked, “Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs time?”
“Same as now – in photos and mirrors,” I replied
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
I put on real clothes today. What more can my boss want from me?
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Where does the army of the dead get insanely long chains to pull a dragon? Is there a Walmart north of the wall? #GameOfThrones
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
[christmas]
BROTHER: [unwraps giant foam hulk hands] Awesome!
ME: [unwraps Mark Ruffalo hands] This sucks.
In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.
AC changed “self-love” to “seldom love.” So my phone and I are now in couples therapy.
—What are we?
—Women!
—What do we want?
— We don’t know!
—When do we want it?
— Now!
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
me: excuse me but is the pilot vaping?
flight attendant: no there’s a fire in the cockpit
me: oh thank god
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.