Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
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Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Omg what if Nate was short for Nathryn
I didn’t say you’re dumber than rocks I said you’re dumber than A rock. That’s an important distinction because if you put enough of the right kinds of rocks together and heat them you can make a computer.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Me: *facepalm*
CDC: Stop that.
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
10: I just read that you have fingertips but not toe tips yet you can tiptoe but not tip finger.
Me: It’s 6 am.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.