(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
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Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
[Ouija board]
“Hey spirits, talk to us”
W H A T S U R F R I E N D S N A M E H E S C U T E
“fml”
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
[at the gym]
Body builder: how much can you curl?
Me: *smugly* I can do a 9 inch ribbon
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
My wife and I trade off on bathroom cleaning. She avoids it one weekend, I avoid it the next.
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
Friday the 13th is my favorite movie about killing anyone having more sex than me
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
Can you imagine if it was normal to say goodbye to everyone in the movie theater? “… have a good one.. enjoyed watching the movie with you..”..
Sorry waiter for pushing you over when you asked me to tip you
You can buy a 48-pack of referee whistles on Amazon for $8. Give them to the kids of people you hate.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
”Been away?”
”Yeah just got back”
”Lucky you, anywhere nice?”
No, I always choose somewhere horrible…
There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes