When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
You Might Also Like
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
I wore pink pants to work today and multiple people thought I was not wearing pants at first glance. So what I’m saying is…I am so classy that several people considered that I may have been pantsless. At work.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
I love the Olympics, but missing Dateline due to the Olympics sucks. One of these athletes better end up being a serial killer or something.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
My tweets use many of the same letters as Shakespeare.
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
[demonstrating my new invention, The Crocbrella] I did not think this through.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
My assistant is eating her pizza with a knife and fork, yet eating her salad with her fingers by picking through and finding the specific vegetable she wants.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
Server: Would you like to try our new bacon-wrapped…
Me: YES!
If there’s no God, why are feet naturally shoe-shaped?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
crazy
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?