Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
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Are people adding the nuts to their trucks or has mine been neutered?
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
Wedding DJ pointed at a bird that flew inside the building and yelled, “Y’all, give it up for the man who taught me how to SHAPESHIFT!!!”
Walk into a pawn shop with a ponytail & a handlebar mustache & they treat you like Ray Liotta walking thru that restaurant in Goodfellas
Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
[blind date]
Him: what are you looking for in a partner?
Her: someone with serious ink
Him: *opens overcoat to reveal a range of 18th century fountain pens*
Her: [whispering] holy shit
I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
Husband: Trust is fundamental to marriage.
Me:
Husband:
Me: I’m still not letting you cut my hair.