me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
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I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[grocery shopping]
“Actually it should be 15 items or FEWER”
I’ll fix that sir [grabs mic] CUSTOMER NEEDS HELP FINDING EXTRA SMALL CONDOMS
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Seriously this lawyer has shouted enough about the case he’s on that I could go on Westlaw dockets,find the case, call opposing counsel, and let him listen to the strategy call.
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
me: are u 2 girls from England
them: Wales u idiot
me: sorry are u 2 whales from England
People who shower together but don’t have sex they actually just shower, those are the terrorists. Real boring, uptight, stupid terrorists.
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
There is wisdom there.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
-Honey, what made you fall in love with me?
-Your mother.
-But my mother lives 5000 miles away.
-That’s why…
My great grandfather always used to call me Alan. I thought it was him being silly, but I later discovered I was going to the wrong house.
“It is the east. And Juliet is the sun. Now she an eggplant. Now she a goat. Now she a dog” -Romeo, if Juliet had snapchat