My kids brought me a mint to try. I commented that it tasted like toothpaste and they said it was hard toothpaste they scraped out of the sink and rolled into mint balls and they want me to be an investor. They call them Breath Balls and DOES ANYBODY WANT TO ADOPT SOME KIDS
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I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
My friend got a job at the dry cleaners but he got stressed out because he always mixed up the orders and kept upsetting the customers.
So the boss sent him to do a course in hanger management.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
It’s none of your business where I live unless you wanna send me some money
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Stop sending me this shit.
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
I had to cut my own toenails. This pandemic is bullshit.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
[at airport Subway]
One footlong before my flight to Zurich
“American or Swiss?”
I’m flying Swiss
“I mean for cheese?”
No, for business
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
We went on a family vacation and it was a terrible experience. It was all whining, complaining, and tantrums. And don’t get me started on what my kids did.
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
My coworker’s out here matching her water bottles to her clothes and I don’t even match my clothes to my clothes.
I get now why they call it being a cougar bc to get my recommended daily protein I gotta take down an elk
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?