My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
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People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
If your bio is chock full of emojis, I like to assume you’re too stupid to form complete sentences.
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
You can’t rush stupid.
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Sounds painful and this is the weirdest pick up line ever. Can I just pay for my stuff and leave? Mmm-k, Thanks.
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”