Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
You Might Also Like
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
I have a nice body. It’s out in the trunk.
Me: Why don’t you ride your bike to practice and save me the trip?
13-year-old: I can’t. It’s too far.
Me: You ride twice that far when you go to your friend’s house.
13: I can only go that far if it’s for fun.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
Ladies if you receive flowers with no card attached, they’re from me.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
I am much less afraid of jail when I’m drunk.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
The embarrassing moment when you bring handcuffs to ‘gamenight’ and she brings Monopoly.
I’m offended that horses don’t put their hooves over their hearts during the National Anthem when they win a gold in equestrian events.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag