*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
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12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
Worst things to discover while skydiving
1) chute won’t open
2) a bear
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again
Polite way of saying gfy in unwanted DM 😉
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
We’re severely underutilizing the concept of groundhog’s day. We should be ripping more animals out hiding and asking them unknowable questions about the future at least weekly
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Pro tip: never tell a three-year-old that you’re going to Disney unless you plan on leaving that very second.
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
I was bitten by a crow, since then I’ve had the proportionate strength, speed, and agility of a guy who is bleeding from the head a bit
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
*stands at the bottom of the water slide, forcefully baptizing everyone who comes down*
The loudest sound on Earth is my child asking an inappropriate question about another customer at the grocery store.
This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
I feel like anyone who comments on anything is insane.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.