My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
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Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
I’m like Moses parting the sea of dogs to make a space to sleep on my bed
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
Here’s something no one talks about: the kiss-of-death retweeter. They happen to RT your jokes no one else does, so they become the sole retweeter. And if they RT something right away you’re like “that must have sucked.” Anyway stop it Mom.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
Kanye West should open up a vegan restaurant called Imma Let You Spinach
Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
Me: You shouldn’t do math in pen. Get a pencil.
10yo: I can’t find one.
Me: *finds a pencil* Here.
10yo: I can’t find the pencil sharpener.
Me: *finds a sharpener*
10yo: I can’t find an eraser.
Me: Fine, use the pen.
10yo: I can’t find the pen.