It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *stops sculpting a Lionel Richie head* Nope. What’s up?
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
The only thing worse than finding a hair in your food is realizing that the person who prepared it has a bald head.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
The earth is moving, plz stop giving credit to the sun for rising
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Black Friday “markdowns” like
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
Parenting is filled with wonder. Like wondering why your 4yo raced into the kitchen and quietly grabbed a handful of napkins.
Pretty sure I just heard a grown man wrestle a bear in a bathroom stall at Chipotle.
Just parrot things
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
a solar eclipse and a tree is like “aw man I was eating that”