I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
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I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Been on hold so long I can’t remember who I called. I have a credit card out and my pants off but that doesn’t really narrow it down much.
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
Right now Netflix is trying to figure out how 6 million people watched birdbox this weekend with only 22 active accounts
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?
lawyer: be careful – now that you’ve won the lottery, you’re suddenly going to have a lot of new friends who want-
me: omg i’m gonna have friends?!
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.