Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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Don’t pretend to be someone you’re not. It will never bring you true happiness or fulfillment. Also, it’s a felony.
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
RIP cat who thought sunglasses would stop Medusa
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
If your 6-year-old suddenly runs to assure you in the kitchen that his napping toddler brother is “JUST FINE,” you can be sure that he has tiny dinosaur figurines stacked high on his forehead as he sleeps.
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
If you’re telling a story to a group and are interrupted and then no one asks you to continue, ruin their party by drowning in the pool.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
What idiot called it a contraction and not a birthquake?
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Saving the planet will require sacrifice and right now I’m thinking you.
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
So true for me
Them: you’re 30 and still living with your parents!?!
Me, visibly perplexed: WHO’S PARENTS AM I SUPPOSED TO LIVE WITH THEN!!?!