Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
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[loses house key, starts a new life]
It’s hard eating this ramen with chopsticks. The broth keeps spilling on the steering wheel.
[ Anything I buy from now until Christmas, I consider it a gift… ]
Kids! Close your eyes and hold out your hands!
“Toilet paper?!”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
I’m the clinically crazy unpredictable one. The monster under my bed is probably telling his parents there’s a full blown psycho on the roof.
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
*Breaks glass to steal Mona Lisa*
You crazy? Security will hear us
Security: HEY, WHAT’S GOING ON UP THERE?
NOTHING
Security: ALRIGHT
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
I’m just a Whole Foods girl on a Walmart budget.
I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
My plan to entomb myself like a pharaoh in a pyramid stocked with everything I’ll need in the afterlife is in jeopardy because I keep eating all the Oreos.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*