me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
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That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Get in, there’s no time to explain.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Passwords are more important than ever.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
[limbo contest]
Everyone: *chanting* how low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Many racist Trump supporters were stung by Clinton’s speech calling them a “basket of deplorables.” The rest had to go look up “deplorable.”
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.