1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
You Might Also Like
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
Me: I have a lot of work to do.
Windows Updates: you’re gonna have to wait
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Every day has been Fat Tuesday since quarantine started.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
In a cementary, I saw a guy crouching behind a tombstone. Morning, I said. No, he said, just taking a dump… .
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.
1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Him: I like a woman with a healthy appetite
Me (acing this date):
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses