Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
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[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
First of all the thin slices you eat to straighten up the cake don’t count
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
(God creating coyotes)
God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
[my funeral]
PRIEST: we are here for Robert-
*one guy in the back of the room boos*
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Friend: What was the name of that guy you introduced me to? He had a beard and a hoodie.
Me: Uhhh
F: Really into Craft Beer.
Me:
F: He has a podcast.
Me: That’s every man I know.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
this kangaroo looks like it smells like AXE body spray
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
When I see guys with skinny jeans and skin tight T’s on I pretend they are actual giants who woke up tiny and just had nothing else to wear.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen